“Is your dog friendly?”

It isn’t about whether my dog is friendly or not, it’s about whether I want my dog to interact with yours, or even with you or your children. Just because my dog is “friendly” to one dog or child or person, doesn’t mean they’re going to be “friendly” to you right now in this situation. When you consider lead reactivity, trigger stacking, lack of socialisation to the environment, past experiences that we may or may not know about, etc there are so many factors other than friendliness that need to be considered before allowing another dog into my dog’s space.

Story Time: I have a golden retriever. She suffers from lead reactivity and a little bit of resource guarding. What does this mean? It means that she is the happiest and friendliest breed you could think of; looks super excited to meet and greet new people and children and dogs. But she cannot control her emotions when she is stuck on a lead and another dog comes into her space without her permission; she clams up and growls at them, or sometimes lunges to show that she is uncomfortable.

This doesn’t mean she’s not friendly.

If I were to take her off the lead, she would often willingly and happily approach new people, children and dogs and be totally fine. She has the control to leave the situation if she wants to. She’s not being forced to give up her space for a new dog that she doesn’t know. Perfectly “friendly”.

And honestly, I have the same kind of reactions, when I change this situation into one more human.

I don’t like being held when I’m in water. I find the lack of control in a potentially dangerous situation really scary. But if you let me go, I’m perfectly content and confident in the water, and wouldn’t even think about it being dangerous. If you were to ask me “Can you swim”, of course the answer is yes. But faced with certain things that take the swimming out of my control, and my reaction probably isn’t that of a confident swimmer.

Also interesting to note: I have never been held under water by someone. I’ve never had a drowning-related experience. Nor has my dog ever been attacked by another dog – while on lead or not. It’s not anything that either of us have done or experienced that have caused these fears and behaviours, it’s just the way we are.

Now, when people approach us and ask “Is your dog friendly”, I answer “no”. Mostly so I don’t have to explain that whole story with the swimming comparison and everything to a complete stranger, but also so that I advocate for my dog’s emotions and protect her from scenarios getting out of her control. And she is going to be more unhappy at having to greet a strange dog while on-lead, than she is at me calling her “unfriendly” because let’s all remember: dog’s don’t understand English. So we have to understand their language and speak for them.

 A better question to ask me would be “Can my dog greet yours?”. Granted, the answer from me would still be the same, but at least it’s a simpler question with a less ambiguous answer.

And if we consider some other scenarios, this question could cover a broader scope of possibilities.

Just because I know that my dog is “friendly”, doesn’t mean I know yours is.

Just because my dog is usually “friendly”, doesn’t mean that they aren’t having a rough day with trigger-stacking and that they might not be up for meeting strangers today.

Just because my dog is “friendly” at home with my dogs, or at the dog park, or at the market, doesn’t mean that they won’t resource guard me and a possibility of getting some of my food at brunch.  

Just because my dog is “friendly” to adults, doesn’t mean they’ve had any experience with children and therefore may not react in their usual way toward a tiny human running at them with endless energy and food on their face.

Just because my dog is “friendly” and loves meeting new dogs and wants to play and we’re in the middle of a park, doesn’t mean we want to greet you at all.

For whatever reason I can think of, my answer could still be no. Even if there isn’t a reason. I might still just not want to. And that’s okay. It’s my prerogative, but it’s not because my dog isn’t “friendly”!